A client recently asked, "What is courage?". "Is it the absence of fear or is it the capacity to subdue fear in order to act?"

Fear is an automatic response when we percieve danger, both physical and psychological danger. Obviously, an earthquake or a burgler will provoke a fear response. Life threatening situations trigger an innate fight or flight response to elicit self-preservation. This is necessary for the continuation of a species.

What about fear of public speaking? Or taking tests? Or making significant changes in our lives such as moving, marrying, divorcing, or changing jobs? There are risks thats why there is fear. Psychological dangers of being judged, rejected, or failing are real concerns for most people to some degree or another. Perception effects all experiences and responses in people so, the degree of fear response will vary, but it is real.

The question is then, what is courage? It is not the absence of fear. It is not the ability to subdue fear. Courage is taking a chance despite the fear you experience. Taking that first step toward self-preservation even when the fear is psychologically based in order to create the best life you can for yourself. 

Courage is taking a chance even when the outcome is unknown, thus scary. Making a change even though you are not sure. Doing something, experiencing something, challenging yourself even when you may be judged.

Courage. It's what keeps us all marching forward despite the odds. Courage builds character, inner strength, and integrity. Courage can be cultivated in one's life. With just one step toward the changes you'd like to experience you are demonstrating courage. You can feel good about that.

Written by Gary Direnfeld, social worker

Think twice about Court involved strategies to resolve child custody/access disputes.

Typically more than 95% of contested child custody/access disputes settle prior to a Judge making a final order.

If however an assessment is entered into at court, the Judge will make an order consistent with the assessor’s recommendations some 80% of the time. 

Outcomes that are imposed by the Judge are less likely to be followed than those outcomes that are reached by mutual agreement, even if both parties aren’t satisfied with the mutual agreement. Here’s why:

Please work hard to resolve things between yourselves. If you have had an assessment, know that it is likely to be very influential even if you think you know more than the assessor or if you think you have a hardball litigator. Giving the assessor a rough ride on the witness stand still won’t mean from a statistical perspective that the Judge will make an Order very different from what has been recommended. Further, even if the Judge does make an Order in favor of your position, don’t think that will be the end of your conflict. In many cases it is only the propellant to fuel more conflict.

If you want an agreement more likely to last and where you have some say or control in terms of the outcome, find a way to settle outside of Court. through Mediation; or Collaborative Law.

There may be no such thing as a good settlement. However if you reach an agreement that brings some semblance of peace that you both can live with, then your children are better off and you all can get on with life. Indeed, that just may be what a good settlement is all about.

1.  People do not have to agree on solutions to be able to mediate the differences.
 
The point of entering into a mediation is to help couples resolve those differences and develop solutions.
 
2.  Having a sense of power equality is not necessary during a mediation.
 
That is the benefit of entering into a mediation. There is much less power struggle present. A communication Coach can help immensely throughout a mediation by assisting and sometimes directing the communication. A coach helps equalize power differences and can be a strong voice when needed.
 
3. Solutions become mutually beneficial and fair.
 
One attorney is hired for the legal piece and one communication coach is hired for the solution building piece. All  four people work toward the same results that are fair to each person in the couple dyad, typically saves money by staying out of the court battle, and helps the children through the process.

4.  The legal system upholds mediation.
 
In fact, the court system prefers mediation and collaborative divorce over litigation. Amicable resolutions keep people out of court, and is beneficial to the entire family.
 
5. Anyone can mediate a divorce.
 
The whole point of mediation is to resolve the differences, find solutions that work for everyone, and to save couples from the extensive costs of litigation. If you are already in agreement about the end of your marriage, then you don't need mediation.
 

Self Care is critical in this complicated world. Sometimes it feels like we just want the world to stop spinning, just for a couple minutes while we catch our breath, but it doesn't do that, not even for a second. So it's up to us to design a life that carves out those minutes, those hours, those moments for self care.

I always tell clients to look at their time like a piece of pie. How they slice that pie matters, because there needs to be a slice for everything that's important to you, including yourself!. If anything of importance is not included then your life will not feel balanced. Now these slices of pie are not fixed in quantity, they are flexible, and are ever changing. Sometimes your child will have a bigger slice, sometimes it will be work, it's always changing.

Self care is a big, big important part to include in your pie design. If not, life won't feel balanced, and eventually you will crash and burn. So find time for yourself in order to care for yourself! It may be a minute, it may be a weekend, but whatever it is make it count. Make it doing something purposeful. Commit to it. Be mindful of it. The purpose may be to sit still and watch the sprinklers, or taste each bite fully, read a book, take a walk, have a 15 minute shower. It doesn't matter, as long as you own it, the time is for you, and it helps to energize you. Get the idea?

Now, make yourself a list of all the ways you have in the past done self care, do presently, and would like to do tomorrow. Start thinking about time frames, days, opportunities, and desires. Maybe make a list of new self care ways you want to incorporate. Focus on you for a change, even if it's only for a moment!

People don't get married with divorce in mind, but sometimes divorce becomes the conclusion of a marriage. Unfortunately, many people are severly traumatized by a divorce. Maybe because they didn't expect their spouse wanting to end the marriage, maybe because they don't want the divorce, or maybe because a battle occurs between spouses that may even involve the children getting emotionally brutalized.

Post Traumatic Stress can occur from events that may not be life threatening, yet are an extremely emotionally stressful, such as an embattled divorce. Characteristics of post trauma stress can include nightmares or bad dreams, lack of focus, anxiety, depressed feelings, lack of motivation, fears of the unknown or future, the avoidance of certain people, places, or situations, and just a general avoidance of relationships.

The stress from divorce can lead to negative self-assessment, insecurity, self-deprication, low self-esteem, self blame, and negative body images. The trauma can cause people to socially isolate, loose interest in their life, to quit looking forward, or to get stuck going over and over the past. 

For most people this is a momentary spot they visit after or during a divorce, but for some it is a place where they get stuck. Once stuck, it can become extremely difficult to get out of the thought quagmire.

If you think you may be one of those people who may emotionally suffer through your divorce or whose divorce could be embattled then I highly recommend seeking out a Collaborative Divorce team to help you through the process. The resources available through the team are highly invaluable. The team works together instead of advisarily to help work through all battles in the best interest of the couple rather than any one individual. Collaborative Divorce can also help to keep the kids out of the middle. Please read more about Collaborative Divorce on my web site.

If you are suffering from Post Divorce Trauma then I highly recommend EMDR therapy to help process all the emotional load you carry with you through the day. EMDR helps many people unload all those troublesome feelings and thoughts. Please read more about EMDR therapy on my web site.